Irrational Fears

Doesn't everyone have some fears that they feel are hard to admit? Maybe they seem irrational or maybe you just can't seem to shake certain things?

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's you too. I think we all have some sort of insecurity that we try to ignore on a daily basis. And I don't care you could have everything you have ever wanted and be fulfilled with every happiness...there had to be some sort of internal struggle/battle that you had to fight in order to reach the point of satisfaction

I go through these battles. I hate to admit it. Maybe writing it down will calm me down...make me feel absolved of some of the chaos in my mind. I'm very insecure. I'm very afraid. I feel very alone most of the time. And it's gotten to the point where if I think long and hard about certain things that have hurt me in the past....I develop anxiety. I can't shake it either...it's actually kinda scary. When I'm alone it gets worse and I hate it. I don't know what I'm searching for at this point. Acceptance? Success? Love? Deep down I know what it is: Forgiveness.

I can't forgive myself for the mistakes I've made and I'm my own worst enemy. I'm afraid to let myself experience things...afraid to fall off again...afraid of progress. And although some things in my life have improved dramatically. It's this internal struggle that is my problem. I just want some sort of consolation that I'm alright and that things are going to be okay.

I keep comparing the person I am now to the person I was 4 years ago and maybe that's not a good thing. I feel like I'm not as good of a person as I was back then. I keep trying to desperately get myself back to that point. become "that becky". Maybe it's time to stop that. Change is inevitable. I'm grew so much in the last 4 years...who knows what the next 4 years hold for me. I am in control. I have the power to guide myself to a beautiful place in life. I have all the tools. I just need to stop holding myself back

If forgiveness is the first step then I need to take it. I need to save myself. Because I know that I'm the only one that can.

Whirlwind

It drives me crazy when things spiral out of my control. It drives me crazy when things are mind numbing and mundane and predictable. Is their ever a happy medium?

I transferred and now I'm living at home and the challenges at home are different, and the stresses that I experience are different, but somehow finding a happy medium is always a constant challenge with me. I without a doubt feel like I'm living my life the way it should be. I feel more motivated to be someone in this world more than I did a year ago.  I accept the responsibilities that I have taken on and I've found myself happier in the fact that I've surrounded myself with people who support me and love me. I've eliminated distractions that made my life more chaotic and really feel like I've turned things around in many aspects of my life.

Reality hit a few weeks ago. I feel like I was being punished for not being responsible for myself and my body. I feel like I was being penalized for trying to make things right too late. I was haunted by my past and it made me feel so sick down to my core. However, these new challenges are just another part of my story. You can't bypass them. You have to realize that experience is the only way to grow. The past 3 years of my life has had so many ups and downs its hard to see the silver lining most of the time. Between a lack of confidence, faith in the future, faith of people around you and faith of who you are as a person...developing into the person you want to be is a constant toil. I'm always asking myself: When is this all going to make sense? Am I supposed to be doing this? Where will I end up? Is it all worth it?

And the answer has to be that It will all make sense, I'm meant to be doing what I'm doing, I'll end up somewhere great and down the line it will all be worth it.

Sometimes you need to tell yourself these things because so many obstacles bog you down on a daily basis. It's all part of the experience. We're always going to be beginners in something---we should always strive to be better.

Weighing the Odds

Temptation is terrible. It's relentless it's addictive it's persistent in the way it gets a hold of you. I'm no stranger to over-thinking and over analyzing the choices I make. However, figuring out what choice is right seems like a battle that rages inside you.

I've realized that sometimes giving in to the things you feel like you want the most probably isn't the right choice. What makes you happy in the here and now is not necessarily what will make you happy tomorrow. Stark realization that I feel is going to haunt me for a long time. I've been feeling better about myself and the choices that I've made. I've felt like I have gotten in touch with the "Becky" that I used to know. The optimist, the believer. I've been happier getting to know myself again and trusting myself as I learn and grow through every experience. I want to be proud of myself when I'm confronted with a situation that tests my best judgment. Tonight, I'm a little bit prouder. Maybe it feels like growing up or maybe it feels like learning not to make the same mistakes.

I'm accepting the fact that I'm going to have to love myself before I can let anyone else get close. I have my whole life. I'm nineteen...I'm still figuring it out....I think we all are. The justification that I've reached is simple.  Do what makes you happy. If there is any doubts in your mind...its probably not going to make you happy and is probably not right.

I'm going to lay all my trust in this because I'm sick of believing in the here and now and giving into temptation. It's a dead-end and I won't allow myself to find myself in that corner again.


Maybe it's good that I figured this out tonight.

Two Years of Silence

I'm writing again and I nervously type on this keyboard because I'm afraid.

Afraid to admit things to myself, afraid to be judged by anyone that may stumble across this silly post, afraid that I won't be able to convey the messages that float around in my mind.

I stopped blogging two years ago during freshman year of college. That was a really crucial time for me. A time for change, growth and endless possibilities. Writing though, even if it was just my blog was a sweet release for me. The tension I held, the excitement that poured out of me and the feelings that actually meant something to me were unleashed into the unknown. It made me happy that I could go back and relive the memories and revist the past when I would stumble across all those old posts.

And it all stopped once college started. I harbored my feelings and even typing now feels odd and strange. I hope that starting this again will be something good for me. Good to finally break the silence and just write.

These two years has been a whirlwind of emotion, stress, fear, love, hate and everything in between. How can I even begin to fathom how much has happened? There was so much to experience and even though I can't say I am especially proud of some of the moments that have transpired, it has shaped who I am. 

And even as I really reflect on everything....I'm not really even sure who I am right now in this moment. The irony shocks me because two years ago right before college....I was so sure and grounded on who I was, where I was going and had a fearless courage that I deeply admired about myself. It's strange how you can be so sure of yourself then have that image completely shatter in a matter of months. 

Recently, I've made the huge decision of transferring schools and the next two years will be a matter of redefining myself and picking up the pieces. Sometimes it's hard to be optimistic. It's hard to tell yourself that you can do anything you set your mind to because everyday brings its trials. Sometimes you have to realize that you can rise above these trials. That's the point in my life that I'm in and although most of the time I seem unsure and doubt just about everything it remains clear that I have purpose and I won't stop ever.

I'll do whatever It takes to be somebody great in this world.

I'll hold my own.